I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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