I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
