I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
