Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
