I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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