Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
