I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if only i could text you this smell
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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