The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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