I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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