How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
