I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
