No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
A+ Viking dick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
