So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
