We won't sleep together?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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