A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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