tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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