Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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