yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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