so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
