He kissed a someone with a penis
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
