My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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