today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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