don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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