Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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