im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
