All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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