He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
