No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
