I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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