I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
