I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Fuck appropriateness.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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