Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Drunk is not a location!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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