I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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