u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
