I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
