When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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