fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
