he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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