i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
