haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
