i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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