just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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