Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
