I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We need to get me chipped asap
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