The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
