Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
