I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
