Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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