i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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