wrigley field is MILF paradise
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
