Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
