theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
