you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
