I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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