I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
