I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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